Dear Diary

April 4—I continued on planting today.  Another Red Twig Dogwood was planted along the fence… one which I forgot to plant yesterday and which is part of the natural barricade I’m trying to create in yet another attempt to close up the gaps in the fence between us and our backdoor neighbors.  I also relocated some of the vinca that was growing rampant in that space where our trailer sits, over to that bare place under the Quaking aspen and behind the swing. I also realized this morning that the Burning Bush I planted yesterday was placed in the wrong location, and thus it had to be removed quickly to have that space saved for a large tree… because, that’s what should go there—another large tree to conceal our neighbors house and make my own sort of little jungle around me… 

I don’t think I could ever rest or find my inner peace until the day I don't have to see that two-story house looming across my garden any more... it takes away so much beauty from the beauty I try to create!  And those two windows-like eyes overlooking down at us all day long and all night long... I feel naked and bare.  I'm also lacking the peace and privacy I seek in my sacred space... our backdoor neighbors are always outside; sitting around not doing anything, not working not planting not cleaning, just sitting around listening and watching while their two dogs yap like crazy when they see me working in the garden through the gaps. 

Why don't these people like trees and shrubs and why would they not plant them and plant something along their side of the fence to hide us from their view and why is this such a burden to me and why is my soul so unsettled by these insignificances?  I am upset with myself for this. For feeling this way. For not liking those dogs, for not wanting to lift my worship off the ground or off the fence to a higher ground where love abounds. “Leave me alone" is not a good thing. We were made to be each other’s keepers. And I need to learn how to let love lead.  Even if I feel deprived of the privacy my soul craves... 

There’s a momma Robin plotting on nesting on the climbing rose outside our bedroom window. Every morning she’d come by, stand on the iron support and look around for hours trying to figure out, I guess, what branch suites her best… 

April 9—after all those long months of inactivity, finally today I decided this was the day I would go out and start my jogging routine… So I went out, turn around the corner, and came right back home… It was so cold and so windy that I had to come back and hide in the warmth of my nest…. 

Tough winds blew harsh and cold against my face, tugging at my hair and prickling up my skin …what a disenchantment that was… and what long long winter this had been!  The worse thing is, thinking that it is already nice enough and sunny enough to start planting and doing all the things you enjoy, and then realizing that nothing is as you thought it was… and you’d have to wait some more.

Wait wait wait… and who has time to wait anyway when life is so short and warm days so scarce?  Around here, it is usually around Mother’s Day when people start working on their flowerpots and plantings, because the weather is so deceiving… this kills me and it kills my gardener’s heart.  Sometimes everything seems so fleeting.  Time is so fleeting; days come and go so fast that I can’t even begin to savor them by the time another one is gone.  I just don't have time to wait.  

April 10—despicable despicable Winter Winds, I ask thee, why are thou still around here when my heart sayeth “spring”! … away, thou rag, thou remnant, I tell thee, thou marred my spirit.

And thus, it’s been so cold around here lately, and winds have been blowing so bitterly cold that even birds have stopped mating and nest building seasons has taken a sojourn… twice I tried to go out to the garden today and twice I had to run back in… my body had been acclimatizing to warmer temperatures for a while, and now it’s like going back to winter overnight.   That’s how is around here—unpredictable and unreliable as far as weather goes.  It is always more cold days than warm days.