Life

Sometimes I feel as if the days of my life are coming to an end—like some sappy soap-opera I don’t want to be part of, but I am.  Is that what ‘depression’ feels like?

Depression isn’t a straightforward explaining of one’s feelings... it is more like the weather, I think.  And around here, in this little house which is my heart, it’s been pretty stormy... it’s been raining and it’s been windy and cold and hot and humid, I perspire profusely, and cannot write. 

Oh, I wish I could talk to Merlin... I’m sure this is what he would say to me:

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

...but what have I been learning?  I only wish I knew.  All I could think of is that one day... maybe, maybe I could look back and see that all along this awful time I was blooming... like what the flowering trees in my garden have been doing.

or like my winter geraniums...

...or the faithful tulips

Or like the brainless-man flowerpot in my garden, who even without soil in his brainless brain, knew how to grow flowers in it.

A woman from a neighboring subdivision who had been making masks for her church, friends and family put an announcement the other day on our “Next Door Neighbor” App, saying that she was making masks for neighbors who might wanted them... for free!

So, one morning this past week I drove to her house and went to get my masks.  She had them ready for me outside her door. They are so well done, and so fashionable... they are double sided with two different types of fabrics on each side, and they are breathable, and comfortable to wear too.  And what a nice thing to do for others... I wish I could do something for others in times like these, but I just can’t think of what.

I’ve been working hard and continue on working hard in the garden.  I have pulled out so many wild violets from the flowerbeds I have come to think it’s only been a dream, and still find myself working on this unending task every time I walk out here... 

Yesterday, we brought in about 20 bags of topsoil; dark and crumbly, and spread them throughout the garden's floors.  Soil amendment is an important process for good plant health. Doing this increases aeration, beneficial microbes, nutrient content, water retention, and more. Plus, how beautiful the garden looks right after doing this!

It is always such a great satisfaction to finally been able to sit down and see how manicured and orderly the garden looks and feels after the long winter.

I love the feel and scent of soil... good soil, and walking in the garden now is like walking on my own type of a beach and feeling under my feet my own type of a sand.

Blessings in disguise...

I know we’re living in difficult times... times of trouble as we’d never seen before but, in a way, what a blessing those ‘stay-at-home’ orders have proven to be to our tired old souls.  A blessing to those who rather hide in their hiding secret places, and just be... until the storm passes by.

And thus, not having to go to work these past weeks have been an incredible blessing—a blessing in disguise, we may well say, nonetheless, a blessing indeed in many ways. 

Ah, the amount of work I have been doing—inside and outside.  Work it could had never been accomplished or done otherwise. 

It has been cold and very windy for the past few days, or perhaps for this entire past week?  And even today, this most annoying April weather had been misbehaving so bad, I can only wish I could get my wooden spoon out and spank it with gusto.  Isn’t that what parents and teachers of old used to do with kids that would not cooperate?  Well, you know. 

Even so, I can now say with satisfaction:  My work has been done.  It is done.  The garden is back to its beautiful methodical form, and although only the faithful tulips and my inside geraniums seem to be the sole form of color around here thus far, it is already looking spectacular...

Hosta heads are popping out from sleepy pots...

...and the wild rose covered wall I made last year is already filling in and looking magnificent!

Green grasses, new young shoots on every bush and every hedge plant, and some of the trees have already starting to put forth their flowers... 

It is a paradise of the most agreeable kind around here, and my little heart feels satisfied and full of expectancy. For better days and a better world, for healing and peace and a more compassionate humanity...

But nothing gets to look good or turn into a thing of beauty without a definitely amount of pain, don’t you think so? Particularly a garden! Yes, and I lot of work I should say.  And thus, it has been a few days and weeks of super hard work around here, and I had manually pulled out more wild violets from the garden floors than I can recount. I have been going to bed with an aching body most every night, and almost unable to move, but everything is looking neat, and tidy, and I’m loving it.

"Come to me", says the garden, and its voice is the voice of God.

My little pond is looking marvelous!

...and everything I planted last autumn in mom's little garden is flourishing!

I haven't been able to fill the flowerpots yet, because we're only allow to go shop for food and such necessities... but I can hardly wait to fill these with all sorts of beauty!  Soon, my heart hopes!

I have put aside a few things from the garden which I’m donating. Old chairs, pillows, and an arraignment of weathered garden adornments that I no longer care for it.  Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes and let go... let go of things that may have been important to you in the past, things that you may have loved dearly at one point in your life, or things for which most probably you spent days or week saving for... things you just couldn’t even imagine living without. But things change, life changes, we change, and letting go is a catharsis one must allow in many aspects of life, in order to grow.  

Tomorrow, I’m scheduled to work from 8:30 to 5:30—my entire day in a cubicle, alongside two other coworkers in an otherwise empty building.  What a waste!  But life goes on, and this is what I had chosen for my life. 

It will be the same next week, or the next.  That’s what they’re doing with the employees these days—dividing our schedule among two or three to enforce social distance and thus prevent employees from getting sick.  So... until next!  Be good, be kind and take care of yourselves...

   

Our wounded world

Working working working—inside and outside.  That’s pretty much how I’ve been spending my days lately.  When I finally get to go to bed, not only my entire achy body is screaming at me, but my brain, too, shouts for rest.

Sometimes, sleep is hard to come by, and even when my own tiredness finally takes me out of my miseries, my sleep and dreams are sorts of a bumpy ride, and I’d wake up in the middle of the night in fear... fear of the dark, the night, the ghosts that won’t sleep in my own heart.    

I guess it had to do something with the days we’re living and the angst the daily news puts in my heart and soul, the cry of our precious blue world wounded and suffering.

Yesterday, we finally risked venturing out to go buy some food.  It was such a strange and sad feeling seeing how much our dear world had changed during these past weeks.  Everyone was wearing their protective masks and gloves—like if our world itself had been wounded and it was sick and dying; everyone walked in a fast-worried pace, each one evading each other, running away from other human beings, who must probably were feeling as worried and scared as those they were running from... how sad, how very sad everything looked and felt to me. 

When we finally got back to our car, I burst into tears, for in my mind all of a sudden, the vision of a wounded world was too much for my soul to bear. In my mind I saw this beautiful world that God created with so much love and pride, as a human being now bedridden by death; a human watching helplessly as parts of his own body deteriorated and died... for we are all parts of one same body. 

My houseplants have been my salvation. They comfort me and give me the peace I crave in amidst the chaos we’re living.  I find God among my plants, and thus, this past week I decided to transform a small space by my kitchen into a solarium...  

One afternoon, I broke into panic... I cried and cried and I needed to go out... needed to get lost in a green lush world outside this world... I could tell I was worrying the Fisherman, but thankfully he knew exactly what to do with me, so he drove me to nearest Lowe's where I selected a few large potted plants to bring home... 

My entire mood changed immediately. Dark thoughts and feelings of despair melted away as I walked the gardens at Lowe's and among the many beautiful potted houseplants.   

When we got home, I immediately got to work. I moved things around and re-potted some of my old plants, I divided and replanted the old geraniums and moved them out, I broke a clay pot and made a huge mess, part of the rug got soiled and had to be cleaned out, I found the package of Spanish moss I’d been saving for something, and made little arrangements with it, making an extra amount of mess everywhere.  I had to vacuum again, and again and I found the most beautiful plate that I had forgotten I had, among my boxes of things I keep in the garage and then, I placed my rock collection in it...

 

I moved some of my favorite arts to this area and filled the space with organic things and details from Nature that I brought in from outside... a bird's nest with some eggs resting on it, my favorite fairy statue, pine-cones and fairy lights and a hung up a wreath covered in fake vines over one window...

I kept arranging and rearranging things until I was pleased...

Finally, I worked on embellishing the light fixture.... and made it into a natural chandelier of sorts... 

Using grasses I had brought from the desert during our camp-outs, and vines... 

I thinking I also need to see some long Spanish moss hanging from there...

But otherwise, I love it so much!

My Mona Lisa is smiling down at me...

and at everything I've done here! 

I think she likes it! 

When I was done it was almost midnight. I was very tired, but I felt happy and excited about the prospect of waking up the following morning to my beautiful new solarium...

Please, take care of yourselves dear friends, and may our Heavenly Father heals His wounded sad world soon.

Much love